January ‘21 Pages ❤️

Sunday, January 31, 2021

I remember when Michelle started having complications after oral surgery for her wisdom teeth almost a month ago.  First, I was upset of course, I couldn’t believe that such basic, common surgery could end up like that with so many complications, I mean, Michelle still doesn’t feel the bottom left side of her mouth. Surgeon says it will take time considering the reaction she had, or complications I should say.

Michelle had been scheduled to go back to New York City a few days after wisdom teeth surgery but we had to change the date to tomorrow due to her recovery, observation, nerve testings in her mouth and more follow appointments.  I thought, well, wow at least we’ll get to celebrate her birthday at homecoming we were all thrilled, Stan was SO happy!!! 

Then as the snowstorm was coming, she started getting updates from the airline advising her to change her flight.  We were considering it when boom she ended up in the ER the night before the snowstorm and we were forced to change her flight since the doctor wanted to see her in his office two weeks later for a follow up. 

Although it all sounds and feels so overwhelming, here is the blessing in disguise, HUGE blessing in disguise if you ask me! 

If everything had gone as planned and ok with her wisdom teeth surgery, she would’ve left Chicago as planned and this emergency visit to the hospital which will most likely require surgery now, would’ve found her by herself in New York City, away from her family, an unfamiliar hospital and stranger doctors.  She would’ve had to call Uber or an ambulance to get herself there, instead of having Stan, myself and Bella take care of her.  

Although, we might know the why’s some things happen in life and when they happen, in this case she/we had angels watching over her, protecting her and leading the way, even when we thought the path was being blocked by unpleasant circumstances.  Yes, they were, have been unpleasant alright, but I know in my heart it was meant to be this way. 

At the ER tonight, after another scary visit where we rushed her with a high fever, uncontrollably pain, and nausea after she was discharged yesterday, they found out that she has a pelvic infection, more fluid in her abdominal area and another cyst in her right ovary, so it sounds like she will most likely need surgery.  She’s currently on antibiotics, prescription pain medication and lots of fluids. The ObGyn will see her tomorrow and decisions will be made. Please say a prayer for her that all goes well and that she recovers quickly and fully so she can start her adult life in NYC doing what she loves most. 

Today, I felt so embraced by the love of so many, especially some of Michelle’s sweet friends who reached out with the loveliest and most encouraging of messages.  I’m tearing up as I’m typing this, because I’ve known these girls (even one of her guy friends texted me), since they were really young, and now, they are AMAZING young adults, with the most courageous and generous hearts who love my daughter immensely as much as she loves them, and that witness of love today was so great on a day like today, her birthday which she faced with so many obstacles. 

I sipped my coffee this morning as I cooked bacon, and made pancakes and set the mood at home to start Michelle’s celebrations.  I enjoyed it as much as I could, as I peeked through the opening between the kitchen and the living room seeing Michelle laying down on the couch pale as she could be. I was trying to be hopeful and cheery. It worked for just a short while, but at least we were able to all sit at the table for breakfast and enjoy a little bit of Michelle’s birthday breakfast meal.

Tomorrow, God willing, we will celebrate her birthday, and she can blow out her candles, and make as many wishes as she wants, she deserves them all!!! ❤️

A short update about my family in Mexico. 

My mom and brother Will had blood work done yesterday to check their Covid and pneumonia numbers and I found out this morning that my mom is responding quite well to treatment. Huge PTL’s here!!! 🙏🏻 She will continue treatment and have more blood work on Wednesday. 

Will is making progress as well, not as much as my mom since his case was a little more aggressive but he is having progress nonetheless, and that’s amazing too. So thankful for that too! 🙏🏻

The doctor called my brother Will from the hospital this morning to tell him that my brother Jesús is stable, still intubated and sedated but his oxygen levels are better after the intubation. Please keep praying for progress every day!!! 🙏🏻

I’m going to finish a hibiscus La Croix right now - I should be having wine, but can’t risk a migraine - and then heading upstairs to pray.  I have actually been finding Prayer very comforting lately.  It soothes my soul and slows down my fears.  

I feel the love of so many, lifting us in prayer and that is sustaining me right now. 

I’m thankful for ALL the people that have been dropping off meals at my mom’s house and anything they’ve been needing since both my mom and brother Will are in complete quarantine. We are so blessed with the generosity of so many people. ❤️

Today, is also the Feast day of Saint John Bosco, patron Saint of youth and my favorite saint since childhood.  I will be saying a prayer to him as well for Michelle’s health and for all the young people I know. Saint John Bosco, pray for us. 

Saturday, January 30, 2021

I’m sitting in my living room, facing the wall where the big screen tv is. I feel so out of sorts right now, a feeling I’ve never felt before.

Although it feels as if I’m walking through the darkest valleys right now, I keep holding on to my faith for hope and strength.

I didn’t get the best news this morning.  They had to intubate my youngest brother Jesús Ramón last night.  The infection in his lungs as a result of Covid doesn’t seem to be ceasing and the doctors made the decision to intubate with his consent, so the medicine has faster effect in his lungs and helps with the breathing too.  I don’t know what else to do other than to pray, and right now, I’m praying for ME too, for strength and consolation because I’m feeling a lot of despair. 

We have not shared that news with my mother yet, and won’t for now.  She’s been dealing with her own anxiety related to her condition, and we don’t think it’s the right time to upset her even more.  We just need time and patience. 

My mother and brother Will had blood work done this morning to check their levels of everything I guess.  I’m not a doctor, I don’t understand anything or much about it and at this point I’m not interested, I just want to hear that they come back with good news!!! 

Michelle is coming home today. Her blood count stayed stable overnight and so did her vitals. She sees her doctor in two weeks and before she will have some tests to decide if surgery will be needed, but it’s not looking like it, thank goodness.  She was supposed to be moving back to New York this coming Monday so now the date has to be moved back.  It sounds easy, but it’s stressful when her lease was already signed and the rent is due. We will get through this, we will get through all of it.  Health will always be the most important thing in our lives, if we don’t have that, we can’t have anything else.  Faith of course carries us through life, but health is such a high priority as well.  

This morning I snapped at Stan and Bella as they were getting ready to leave the house to run some errands.  I literally snapped at two of the sweetest and nicest human beings I’ve ever known in my life and on this earth.  I snapped at them because Bella was going to Target and she wanted to use her own money which she always insists on doing and she shouldn’t, Stan wanted to give her cash or his debit card instead and I told them she should should my debit Target card to get 5% off.  Literally, I lost it because at this point I’m worried about everything, and everyone and someone using my Target card was the ONLY control I felt I had at the moment. I’m embarrassed at my reaction, but I hope they understood where it was coming from. 

Today is not a good day for me.  I feel drained spiritually, mentally, emotionally, but I have decided to do what I preach.  To let go and let God, to trust, to allow myself to cry and to feel every emotion and not to apologize for it. I’m tired. 

Please continue to lift us all up in prayer.  My brother Jesús, who lays in an ICU bed, intubate and alone.  For my mother, who is fighting the good fight and working of getting better while worrying about my brother who is hospitalized.  For my brother Will who has carried it all, taking care of his own health fighting Covid and pneumonia while caring for my mother, arranging for my dad’s services and being the main contact at the hospital for my brother’s hospitalization, making decision after decision and deciding on what news to share with my mother.  For Michelle, so she recovers quickly and fully and is able to start her adult life in New York soon as she has planned and for myself, so I have strength to get through this and carry us all with faith and optimism. 

One day at a time, that’s all I can do for now.  I’m hopeful and I’m also thankful for what I’m learning from this experience, but I’ve learned already and I need life to go back to boring and ordinary. 

Thank you all for your prayers and concern. ❤️

Friday, January 29, 2021

Where do I start? 

It’s past 7 pm, I’m sitting in my favorite corner of the kitchen.  I home from work a little bit ago and I’m waiting for Stan to come home with food, Mexican take out.  It was a long day at work but I’m so glad and thankful for the opportunity to stay busy and keeping my mind occupied doing things I enjoy. 

This morning started like no other.  At around 5:30 am Michelle stormed through our bedroom door, bent over in excruciating pain.  My first reaction was “are you kidding me???” My second reaction was “are you sure you are in that much pain?” Third reaction... “just call 911, please?!”

Ok, in my defense, I didn’t say any of those things, instead I tried to understand what was happening. Was I dreaming??! Was she really at the door telling me she couldn’t walk? Did we really need to get up and take her to the ER? I think I went to bed at midnight praying and by 5 am my body was still beyond tired and I couldn’t understand half of what she was trying to tell us. 

Long story short, I wasn’t dreaming and she wasn’t kidding, after many tests, and scans and everything else, they discovered that she had an ovarian cyst the size of a golf ball which had ruptured and hemorrhaged, which caused the excruciating level of pain she was feeling. 

Thankfully, we have the BEST ObGyn doctor, who happens to be on the board at the Hospital and went to Michelle’s aide immediately.  He called me personally to update me on her situation and what he thought would be the best plan of action according to her scans and tests.  I have complete trust in him, and with prayers and some TLC, hopefully she’ll be able to come home on time for her birthday on Sunday, for now, they are keeping her overnight to keep the pain level under control, monitor her vitals and blood levels and make sure there is no more internal bleeding.  We won’t know until tomorrow is surgery will be required, but we’ve already been given all that information and possibility, hopefully that won’t be the case!!!

Speaking of Michelle and the ER trip, I have to share something amazing that happened this morning after Michelle was admitted.  One of her best friends sent me the most amazing and heartwarming text expressing her feelings about the heavy load and layers of issues I’ve been dealing with, and to tell me that she’s thinking of me, and to let her know if we need anything (I know she’d leave everything to help me if I needed, because that’s who she is), and to say that she’s wrapping us with love.  She’s not only an amazing friend to Michelle, but also so caring, who obviously has great parents who have nurtured the way she cares for others.  That expression of support meant everything to me this morning when once again felt like a mountain was sitting on my back pushing me down.

On other news... my brother JR is still in the hospital, making progress.  His oxygen levels are still a concern, but the doctor thinks he’s making progress, as little as they are right now.

My mom and brother Will are stable, taking their medications, doing the nebulizer treatments, measuring their oxygen levels three times a day and eating delicious food cooked and dropped off by the kindness of family.

I just finished eating dinner, my first meal of the day.  I actually had a banana and a bite size milky way today if that counts for anything.

Praying for a good night’s sleep, for GOOD news from every hospital.  Good news about Michelle, my mom and my brothers. 

I’m praying for strength in every way and for the gift of hope and humor which are keeping me grounded and human right now.

I think we’ll watch a movie after dinner and then I’ll go to sleep.  Letting go and letting God is the best gift I can give myself right now and every day. ❤️

Thursday, January 28, 2021

This morning I’m a mess of emotions and it’s almost funny because it’s all coming out involuntarily. 😁

Yesterday, someone was asking me about my family and as I started sharing an update (still holding it together, even with a sprinkle of humor as we both always share our stories), all it took was for this person to ask me “do YOU have someone to talk to?”  

It was in that moment, those very few words that made my eyes leak as if the concrete structure of the Hoover Dam itself had broken off and the water was pouring over the city.  This time, it was my “city”, my territory, my face and in the ugliest of ways, I shamefully displayed emotions and vulnerability I was not prepared for, in front of someone who I had never had that type of relationship with before.  This person could not have been more gracious and kind to my reaction of emotions that I immediately recovered from my own “shame”.

As I walked away from that conversation, it really made me think of the impact that layers over layers, over layers of grief, worry, disappointment and overall heaviness is causing my soul, my body, and my mind.

When my children were little, my mother used to say to me “in order for you to give the best of yourself, you have to take care of you as well.” Self care, in other more modern words.

This conversation also made me reflect on the impact that caring, compassionate people have in our lives.  People who see beyond our smiles, beyond our words, beyond our actions, and in a way, understand our very own need to be nurtured.

Yesterday, I wasn’t expecting to be asked “do you have someone to talk to? how are you taking care of yourself?” But I’m so glad it did, even if for a moment I thought I “humiliated” myself with my tears with almost a complete stranger whom I’ve known for a short period of time.  An extraordinary human being who I feel blessed to have crossed paths with. 

"Self care is never a selfish act, it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer others. Anytime we can listen to true self and give the care it requires, we do it not only for ourselves, but for the many others whose lives we touch." ~Parker Palmer

UPDATE ON MY FAMILY:

My mom and my brother Will seem to be doing ok, a little bit of improvement, but improvement nonetheless and that’s huge!  My mom is doing nebulizer treatments three times a day on top of all her meds.  

My youngest brother JR, is stable, still hospitalized with oxygen.  We are praying that his oxygen levels continue to improve and that he is more relaxed, he’s been a bit anxious the last couple of days, but not surprising considering what he’s gone through in the past few years.

All in all, today was a good day, my mom was able to sit outside in the sun for a short while.

In all this, I’m just beyond thankful for the generosity of so many people.  My family in Mexico who has rallied to help my brothers and my mom in the most incredible of ways, putting aside their own needs, to help their loved one in their greatest times of need.  Medicine is being delivered, home cooked meals, calls are being made, contacts with the hospital, even a space heater for these unusual cold days in Mexico right now. 

Blessed and grateful without measure.  I keep thinking of the day when we will always be able to sit down at the same table and talk about this experience. 

For now, I continue to pray, pray, PRAY unceasingly, and bless all those people that are coming to my families aide during these very trying days. 

One day at a time. ❤️

Wednesday, January 27, 2021

Today is day number twenty one since the chaos unleashed back in my hometown of Mexico.  My father got gravely ill unexpectedly and died a week later.  The day of his death, my youngest brother got very sick also and a few days later ended in the ICU of their local hospital, he is still there.  

My middle brother got sick a few days after that and has gone from treatment to treatment at home while caring for my mother who is visually impaired, all of this while he’s been in need of rest himself.  Now, my mother was just diagnosed with Covid and pneumonia and undergoing treatment. Thankfully, it was caught early enough and started treatment immediately.

My body feels like it can’t take this chaos anymore.  I feel drained in every way, but I am praying fiercely and often and trusting in the almighty God that has always held us by the hand, for them, for me, for us. 

I’ve felt every emotion possible in the past three weeks, some have scared me, some have healed me, some have challenged me and in all this I keep reminding myself that I have to be strong for my mother, for my brothers and for my husband and daughters, and in all of this, I have to somehow, be strong for myself, all while keeping the pace of our daily routines because bills have to be paid, meals have to be made and the house has to be cleaned.  We are all doing our part, but it’s HARD, ALL OF IT!

Outside feels just as my souls feels right now, cold and gloomy, but I am trusting that soon, we will be able to rejoice and feel the warmth of better days, and sunnier skies in every way. 

I’m sorry if this sounds pessimistic, I don’t really feel like sugarcoating my emotions right now.  I promise it won’t stay this way forever, but for right now I need to cry, I need to scream if I feel like it, and if I have to be mad, I’ll be MAD! 

This experience has also made me reevaluate SO much about life, about MY life, our family life, relationships, what truly really matters in life and the gifts of ordinary moments.  I want all this behind, so I can see my family again, and give back.  Give back to all the places and people that are making this situation tolerable, I have learned so much in this short time that has felt like a excruciating eternity. 

Giving has always giving ME the best and most positive energy.  I never feel as good as when I am doing something for others.  I will put my emphasis on that right now as well, and use my creativity to map out a plan to give back in a bigger way when all this is over, maybe that’ll keep me busy and distracted as well.

I had this cup of coffee right before I went to work this morning, in my kitchen, in my favorite corner.  I’m back in the same spot savoring a bowl of homemade chicken soup my husband made for dinner.  It’s delicious and it’s keeping me warm.  Good food, good deeds and the comfort of the prayers of so many, it’s all soothing me. 

Staying positive, remaining hopeful and keeping the faith!!! ❤️

“A life lived for others is a life worthwhile." - Albert Einstein

Tuesday, January 26, 2021

It’s a very snowy day here in Chicago, most of us are snowed in not being able to leave the house, at least that’s our case in our cul de sac, the plows might be waiting for the snow to start falling which is fine with us, as we are not planning on going anywhere just yet.  

Both Stan and I are working from home, and I’m thankful for that luxury and blessing.

Yesterday was a very stressful day for our family. I was on “pins and needles” all day, heart racing, checking my phone, and praying I didn’t miss any texts or calls if I walked away.  I honestly, have never in my life felt this panic and sense of being completely out of control.  I think the fact that I’m so far away from my mom and brothers, is making the uncertainty of this situation all much worse.  Yesterday, was a stressful day, but I thank God for a new day... today!

I woke up and immediately checked my phone to see if I had any messages from anyone.  Last night was the first time in two weeks that I’ve been able to sleep through the night, what a huge relief and blessing, I needed that, my body needed that. 

I didn’t hear anything from my brother until around 11 am, and I still haven’t been able to talk to my mom. 

The doctor called my brother Will this morning to give him an update about brother JR.  He said that he is stable but still considered critical.  They were able to lower his oxygen level this morning (I don’t understand a lot about that), and that he reacted positively to that.  He is making small progress, but progress nonetheless.  He ate this morning for the first time since he was admitted four days ago, hurray for that!!!  The doctor said that considering the condition in which he was admitted, the first 14 days are considered critical and today is day is #4.  Beyond thankful for the progress, and keeping up the prayers as he’s not quite out of the woods yet.  Thank you for praying with us! ❤️

My brother Will is undergoing treatment as well and yesterday they had to reevaluate his treatment plan for a stronger/more aggressive one.  

My mom had a chest X-ray yesterday to rule out any possible sign of the virus in her lungs since she’s been so exposed lately. PRAYING for good and healthy results.

I am beyond grateful for the generosity of many!!! Being so far away makes me feel so out of control, and my mom is completely against me traveling to Mexico right now and exposing myself (and them I’m sure), which is completely understandable.  

My cousins and extended family and friends have been helping around the clock literally! Running errands, calling doctors, getting updates, making appointments, delivering food, dropping off medications, making contacts at the hospital for us to be constantly updated and informed, and checking on everyone.  I will never fully know how to return the favor, but for now I know, they will ALWAYS have my prayers, my blessings and my absolute support whoever they need me.  And hopefully one day soon, ideally this year, we can all celebrate together and tell stories, and laugh and cry a little about this experience that has shifted our lives recently.  

I have felt so drained lately, but the love and support of loved one has been carrying me through and for that, I’m immensely grateful. ❤️

Monday, January 25, 2021

Yesterday, was one of the most challenging days I’ve experienced in a long time, or ever.  At least it felt like it.  

I literally felt the ground shifting beneath me when my mother told me the hospital had contacted them asking for authorization to intubate my brother if needed.  Why would they ask that if they didn’t think he’d need it?

Yesterday, was one of the. Kate challenging days I’ve experienced in a long time, or ever.  At least it felt like it. 

Maybe, repeating that will help me heal and understand myself a little better.  

I thought I knew was grief meant, after all, I’ve worked at a church for almost 25 years and I’ve also worked at a Funeral Home, I thought I knew what grief meant.  

Grief certainly takes on a new dimension when your immediate family is affected by it, and all of a sudden, you feel trapped in the middle of the ocean, a turbulent ocean with no help in sight, but you pray, and you keep praying because our faith sustains us and holds us by the hand, even if it means, just keeping it high enough about water to make it through until we get to the shore to rest and breath without too much effort. 

Yesterday, was a very intense day.  All I wanted to do was sleep so I wouldn’t feel the pain that grief and despair give you.  I wanted to sleep and not look at my phone or hear it ring.  I took a nap and that helped, and even though waking up and moving felt like the biggest struggle, I motivated myself enough to cook and distract myself with that.  It worked for a short while, until the next phone call came through with not so good news again and I felt as if someone had punched me in the stomach again and then I couldn’t eat the delicious food I had cooked.

Yesterday, I cried a lot.  A lot.  I prayed a lot. A lot.  I paced the hallways in my home, I let others a few desperate cries and I prayed again. 

Today has been an ok day, little progress here and there, I’ll take that.  My mother had an X-ray done of her chest to make sure she’s ok and hasn’t been affected by the virus.  She gets her results in three days.  We pray and we wait. 

Im learning a lot from this experience, lessons I could’ve done without, but since they are here, I’ll welcome them and discern.  Life is a mystery, there is so much we don’t know, and so much that is not in our control.

I will continue to pray and rely on that faith that has sustained me all this time and continue to do so.  

Praying for a better tomorrow, a day wrapped in good news and positivity. 

So many people have been praying with me, praying for my family and I couldn’t be more helpful.  May their lives be blessed forever for their kindness. ❤️

“And then, in a single moment, I am flooded with love.  Suddenly I "feel" the love God has for all people as we live out our insignificant lives and perform our routine tasks.  Compassionate, warm, tender love pours down on me and washes me over.  I cannot explain it, but it is real and so tangible that it begins to lift me.” ~Paula D'Arcy

Sunday, January 24, 2021

Ever since my dad was hospitalized almost three weeks ago this Wednesday, and his passing and then my brothers getting really sick, I have not been able to quite sleep solid through the night.

I wake up in the middle of the night and check my phone to see if I’ve missed a text message from one of them.  I can’t quite go to sleep early enough, I want to make sure that I stay awake “long enough” until I know THEY are asleep, and safe and better.

But before I move on to an update about my family from this morning which left me with a bit of an upset stomach, I’m going to share a very sweet and uplifting story of graciousness delivered by a complete stranger. 

Last week my mom had a doctor’s appointment, she wasn’t feeling great and due to the lengthy exposure of my brothers at the hospital in the days prior and bringing home who knows what germs, they decided not to take chances and take her to the doctor’s to be evaluated.  She was diagnosed with the flu and given medicine for that, but that’s not what my story is all about. 

My mom has been legally blind for over a decade, and her disability has increased with age.  My mom will be 74 years old this March, and has learned to live and cope with this disability in the best of her abilities.  When they arrived at the doctor’s office, my brother was told that he couldn’t go in with my mom, only the patient could go in due to Covid protocols.  He explained the reason of him wanting to go in with her, her visual disability, but it didn’t matter, it was still a hard no. 

He worried about her.  I worried about her.  She need the aid of someone especially when she’s out of her comfort at home.  God is with us, so we had to abide to their rules, trust and let go. 

As soon as my mom was done with her appointment she called me to let me know how it was and what the doctor said and of course I asked “how did you manage moving around without help?” Then she proceeds to tell me ALL happy, about this amazing doctor, who she’s never met and treated her with such respect and kindness and even made her laugh.  At the end of her appointment he said to her “just wait here for one second for me...” and he left the office.  He had gone outside to tell my brother who was waiting outside of the building to start the car so the car could be warm before my mom got in. Then went back inside, waited a couple of minutes and walked my mom out with all the love and care in the world and made sure she was safe.” How amazing is that??? Kind people are everywhere and miracles like this one happen all the time when we walk by faith.

The same doctor called my mom a couple of days later to check on her, find out how she was doing.  He joked with her and said “once this is all over (Covid), we will visit with a cup of coffee.” My mom had never met him before, but he, not only took care of her medically speaking, but also from the heart, what a gracious and generous human being!  He told my mom he hadn’t seen his wife and little girl in days, that Covid cases were once again in the rise, and he had been working nonstop and he missed them.  

Overworked, stressed, and answering faithfully and graciously to his call of service.  I’ve never met him either, but he is already in my prayers. 

On other news... my brother Will had a bad night and woke up feeling sicker than he’s been feeling lately and is being seen by the doctor today again. I’m praying his condition doesn’t require hospitalization also, like my youngest brother.  Just too much. 

My brother JR had an ok day yesterday, we didn’t hear much from the hospital itself, but we have family that have contacts at the hospital and they were able to keep us updated.  My brother was reported serious but stable, and is being treated for an infection in the lungs, on top of all the other symptoms associated with Covid. 

“Waiting by the phone”, is turning out to be the worst joke of this year so far, and I’m praying with all my might that they all turn the corner for the better today and things start to improve.  My mother is the most faithful and optimistic person I’ve ever known in my life, but sensing the distress in her voice lately, has broken my heart.

One day a man was crossing a bridge in life but was scared so he turned n asked the Lord, "Can I hold Your hand so I may not fall? “The Lord said, "No, my child, I will hold your hand". He  asked, "What's the difference?" The Good Lord replied, "If you hold My hand and something happens, you might let go but if I hold your hand, no matter what happens, I will never let you go". ~Anonymous ❤️

Saturday, January 23, 2021

I’m sitting in the parking lot of the ER, that’s right. 

My oldest daughter had wisdom teeth surgery two weeks ago and what it’s usually considered “routine” surgery, turned into a series of complications for her, the list too long to mention and in all honesty, I don’t even have energy for it right now.  This morning, those issues became too concerning and she was advised to go to an ER.

My mom seems to be doing better, she has a follow up appointment with her doctor today. My oldest brother, seems to be improving as well, thank God for those mercies.

My youngest brother is still a big concern, he was admitted in the hospital yesterday and since hospitals have strict policies and protocols right now due to Covid, we have no idea how he’s doing, or what area of the hospital he’s in.  We keep praying that soon we will get an update and that the update will be a positive one. 

As I was sitting at the edge of my bed this morning, completely drained, exhausted in every possible way, and trying to pick up myself enough to drive my daughter to the ER, a dear friend of mine who has also gone through incredible losses in her life lately, sent me the following poem which lifted me up and reassured me.  

I keep praying. We keep praying. I’m letting God hold my hand, instead of me holding His.  That way I know, that he has a strong grip on mine, and He won’t let go of it, not sure I could do the same right now.  Trusting, and surrounding to my faith and His promise of everlasting love and care. ❤️

“Don’t get lost in your pain.  Know that one day your pain will become your cure. When the world pushes you to your knees, you are in the perfect position to pray. Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you.

I said, “what about my eyes?

God said, “keep them on the road.”

I said, “what about my passion?”

God said, “keep it burning.”

I said, “what about my heart?”

God said, “tell me what you hold inside it...” I said, “pain and sorrow.”

God said, “Stay with it. The pain is the place where the light enters you.”

Don’t dismiss the heart.  Even if it’s filled with sorrows.  God’s treasures are buried in broken hearts.  Be patient, where you sit in the dark, the dawn is coming.  -Rumi

Friday, January 22, 2021

I woke up this morning excited to share a very uplifting story to something that happened to my mom yesterday, maybe I’ll share this weekend or next week, right now I don’t have energy for that.

Early this afternoon I received a call from my brother letting me know that our youngest brother’s Covid symptoms had worsened and unfortunately, he had to be hospitalized. 

I don’t remember feeling this level of grief and anguish ever.  I feel as if the ground where I’m standing has shifted and I can’t gain control back.  I’m hanging on to faith, RELAYING on my faith, hoping, praying, and trusting. 

Trusting on God, trusting on my faith, trusting on the medical professionals.  Trusting. 

I feel a horrible void in my heart knowing that my mother and my brothers have not been able to fully process and mourn the sudden death of my father a week ago.  They went from being fully immersed in an unfamiliar and unexpected territory, or worrying about major health issues for all of them, especially my youngest brother.

I almost didn’t write a thing tonight, but I am doing it for two things.  One, because writing liberates me.  Two, because I’m hopeful that one day, I will be able to look back and say, “omg, I can’t believe we went through all that, thank God things turned out ok and we are together loving and supporting each other.” 

Covid has made physical loss and emotional challenges a lot harder, almost unbearable.  At times, unbearable for many.  Tonight, along with my brother, I am remember in prayer, every person around the world, laying on a hospital bed, and for their families who worry without being able to be by their side to offer comfort. 

If life continues to teach me anything every day is the importance of faith, family and kindness. ❤️

Thursday, January 21, 2021

This morning I woke up tired, I think my body is finally releasing all that tension I’ve been going through the last few weeks, and you can only pretend the stress isn’t there until your body demands rest.  So, in order to listen to my body, I stayed in bed a little longer than usual this morning to let my body rest a little.  I think it was a good choice and I’m thankful for the opportunity to do it.

Yesterday at work, I received a call from a middle aged woman whom I’ve never spoken to before.  She was calling to find out our office hours so she could stop by and take care of some paperwork she needed.  She sounded extremely congested, so embarrassment aside, considering the terrible Covid situation we are in again, I had to ask if she was sick, I didn’t want to put anyone at the office at risk. 

She proceeded to share that she was not sick, in fact she wasn’t sick at all or had been sick.  She shared with me that her father had just died a week ago in Mexico and she couldn’t stop feeling the pain she had been feeling since his death; she said “I wasn’t able to be by his side before he died, the distance has been intolerable and the pain I’m feeling is too much.”  

I felt her pain through the phone line.  Although I could never say “I know how you are feeling”, as we can never possibly know exactly how one is feeling when experiencing grief, even if the situation is similar, I understood where she was coming from.  We all have different memories, different experiences and our bodies, minds and hearts are wired differently in the way we feel pain and experience grief.  I couldn’t possibly know the depth of her pain, but her story touched me significantly. 

It was in that moment that I felt compelled if you wish, to share that I too had just lost my father, also a week ago, and that he had also died in Mexico thousands of miles away and I couldn’t be there by his side saying one more goodbye.  She gasped and then said to me “I can’t believe it, I can’t believe we both lost our fathers at the same time and similar circumstances. But I have a question for you. How do you sound so calm already?”  She was crying as she spoke all those words and I immediately felt a connection with her as if I had been talking to a friend, although I’ve never met her before.  Grief has a special way to make human connections.

Since our conversation was on holy ground so to speak, being that I work at a church and that’s where the conversation was taking place - over the phone - I shared with her in the best of my abilities how I was feeling and what was giving me strength.  I shared that I’ve cried many tears also, I have felt inconsolable and the pain has also felt unbearable at times, but that the peace I am feeling comes from my faith, from a deep rooted faith that has carried me through life and continues to do so, walking through life by the hand of God and trusting in His ways, His love and His promise of hope and rest.  I told her that I would keep her in my prayers, and that we could support each other through prayer as well.  She liked that very much, and gave her comfort.  It gave me comfort too.  Prayer is a powerful thing.

The support of family and friends has been crucial for me, and aside from my faith, it has been what has carried me.  A card, flowers, a meal, a phone call, a text, a simple, “how are you doing?” has truly meant the world.  One of our greatest missions in life is to love one another, and to support each other, people we know as well as strangers.  We have more things in common than we think, we are connected in such powerful way that at times those connections feel divine. 

Sounding calm, or looking at peace doesn’t mean my grief is gone.  It means that I’m doing my very best to let my faith carry me through the many emotions I’m feeling and also trusting, trusting in His ways. 

It’s been exactly one week since my dad died and I’m still having a difficult time saying those three words in one sentence, “my dad died.”  I’m sure it will get easier with time, but for now, I will continue to walk by faith, to trust and find comfort in the love I’ve been receiving from so many. ❤️

Wednesday, January 20, 2021

Today is a big day for the United States of America.  At noon today, President elect, Joe Biden will be sworn in as the 46th President elect of the United States, all amid turmoil and loss but also great hope in the future.  Hope and faith in the future is what keeps not only our nation going and thriving but our own lives. 

Yesterday for the first time we had a national moment of mourning for the 400,000 that have died of covid 19 over the last year.  The National Cathedral rang their bell 400,000 for each person who died in the past year and the ringing of the bell lasted for 38 minutes.  What an amazing moment of grace and respect. 

The division of our country and the world in the past four years has been at times (many times) draining in so many ways.  Relationships have been lost, friendships have been shattered due to the division and difference of opinion, but I think the greatest sadness in my opinion has been the fact that when something awful has happened, there have been so many ways of looking at it, when tragedy and disrespect should only be a one way street in the way we react to it and are astonished by it.  That is my greatest sadness in this case.

BUT, today, we begin a new chapter, prayerfully, and hopefully a new chapter of hope, of positive change and most importantly, a time for healing.

The ground is freshly covered with snow this morning, the sun is reflecting on the ground and it looks glittery. I’m sitting at the kitchen table with my two now, adult daughters, one almost 23 this month, and the youngest 18 years old. I see hope in their eyes for a new beginning, and that makes me joyful, it has been a rocky ground and times for our youth.

Drinking my coffee today in this B cup, that in my mind and heart today stand for Biden and (new) Beginnings! 

Onward. 💙

Tuesday, January 19, 2021

I had a nice day yesterday.  A “me” day if we want to call it that. ☕️

My office was closed in honor of Martin Luther King, Jr. to give us an opportunity to read about him, to watch documentaries about him, and to reflect about civil rights and social justice issues and that’s exactly what I did.

I started the day with a quick stop at my office to prepare it for a closing, and then made my way to daily Mass to pray for my dad.  Our Pastor and a sweet parishioner made special mention of my dad during prayers and intentions for the deceased and my heart and soul felt all the love.  I have been so overwhelmed by the kindness of people.  People that never met my dad, but have been so sympathetic about his passing by the simple fact that they know me and feel my pain.  I will forever be moved by their acts of kindness.  

After Mass, I went straight home, I knew that if I had stopped at the office again even to do just one thing, the moment would turn into hours, and maybe even a full day.  Glad I listened to my instincts. 

As soon as I got home I brewed myself a cup of coffee, sat in the kitchen all by myself, lit a candle, fixed my eyes on the little altar I prepared for my dad and stayed in that moment for as long as I could.  Before I knew it, I was preparing myself breakfast and chatting with my daughters who by now had joined me. Simple, sacred moments.

After pondering and wondering a little, I called my mom to chat. She ALWAYS greets me with the most beautiful and almost musical “Mis Amores!!!” Which translates into English to something like , “My love...” and then adds, good morning, good afternoon, or good evening, but she is always so excited to hear my voice, no matter how many times we’ve talked in the day. She’s simply the best mother life could have given me. 

A few hours later I decided to take a nap.  I haven’t been sleeping well lately, or enough and the stress and all was demanding my body rest, and I did just that.  I’m not a napper, although I do love a good nap, I just don’t have time for them, and yesterday was a perfect opportunity.  I laid my head down not knowing if I’d be able to sleep at all, and I ended up sleeping for two hours straight and it felt glorious.

After my nap it was almost dinner time, and I listened to Martin Luther King “I Have a Dream...” speech, and other speeches of his while preparing dinner.  Right after dinner, we all watched the movie “Selma”, and talked about civil right and social justice issues in our world, in our country right now!!! We still have such a long way to go... the dream still has some work to do. 

Yesterday was a great reminder to allow time for days like the one I had yesterday.  A day for myself, doing things that my body and my heart need.

Thankful for all these moments of grace in my life. ❤️

Monday, January 18, 2021

Today, we honor the memory and legacy of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., and remember the dream for which he lived and died.  

Days like today, serve us as a reminder to live lives of service and to stand up and voice our concerns and beliefs when justice of any kind is not being served. 

In the Catholic Church we are starting the liturgical season called “Ordinary Time”, which by the way is nothing but extraordinary.  I wonder why they call it that.  Ordinary time comes after the birth of Jesus (Christmas) and before Lent (his death and Resurrection) and during this time, is when Jesus did the most important work of his life here on earth, public work, public ministry.  In the short life he lived, he served, he loved, he advocated, he taught and he above all, brought peace to all those who met him. 

I have always admired the work and life of Martin Luther King, Jr.  Although I didn’t grow up in the US and wasn’t taught by a young age at school about his work and ministry, my grandmother who was an educator by trade, someone who constantly advocated for those in need herself being involved in social justice issues and was a great storyteller, would share with us from time to time about the great work and visions of Martin Luther King, Jr., so from a young age, I learned to admire him and respect him.

I find a lot of similarities between Jesus, Martin Luther King, Jr. and all those who have dedicated their lives to service and public ministry. As Martin Luther King Jr. said himself “True peace is not merely the absence of tension; it’s the presence of justice.” 

He stood up, sat in, marched, and spoke for the issues he believed in, always with a sense of peace.  As he firmly believed and said that hate could not drive out hate, only love could do that. 

Every year on this day, I watch his full “I have a dream”, speech which took place during one of his marches in Washington on August 28, 1963.  Every time I listen to it, I get goosebumps, it’s such a powerful speech. 

When Selma came out on December of 2014, a friend and I drove an hour away to a theater that was playing it.  It was a small and artsy looking theater, there was a lot of snow on the ground and I can still remember the two of us, crossing the street, walking in, getting our popcorn and sitting down to enjoy this wonderful film.

Selma chronicles Dr. Martin Luther King’s Jr.'s campaign to secure equal voting rights via an epic march from Selma to Montgomery, Alabama, in 1965.  I learned a lot through this movie.  Today, I leaned that my daughters have not seen it yet, so today, we will be doing just that in his honor. 

As we honor the incredible life and legacy of Martin Luther King, Jr., may we stand as a living witness to truth and freedom, to peace and justice, that all people may be raised up to a new hope. 💙

Sunday, January 17, 2021

It’s past 5 pm and I’m sitting in my living room, all by myself, looking out the big bay window to a snowy street.  A lamp shade is on by a corner near the chair where I’m sitting and this moment in time feels peaceful. 

Peace.  What an amazing word, with so much depth. 

I’ve been reflecting on the every day of life lately. It’s funny how a life changing event like death, put your life (literally) into perspective and what we used to focused on and pay attention to even on social media, or things we hear and see, seem so trivial all of a sudden. 

I have been taking inventory of where my focus was before my dad’s death versus now.  Not that my focus wasn’t positive or constructive, but it has taken a whole new shape, and I am really appreciating this new way of looking at life. 

I have truly felt God’s love and embrace these past few days through the love and support of family and friends.  Through them, He is holding me by my hand and whispering, “I am with you, and I will always be with you.” 

Faith, peace, refocus, blessings. ❤️

Saturday, January 16, 2021

My dad has been gone for two days today and the pain feels as heavy and real as the first moment when my brother spoke the words “dad just passed.” 

I’m sorry if I sound repetitive, but I just can’t transition that easy and fast from the grief I’m feeling to writing about anything else right now, because everything else, EVERYTHING sounds and seems so vain and so unimportant. 

I know that eventually I will move on, and I will start focusing on other things, but for now, I need to let my heart heal, I need to let my soul breath, I need to give myself time to learn how to tread water in the middle of a stormy ocean while keeping my head above water. 

My youngest brother got very sick the day my dad died and ended up in the hospital himself, was treated there and now he’s home with a heavy load of medications and resting so he can recover.  Four years ago he was critically ill and spent months in the hospital and we didn’t know what his fate was going to be, the physical, mental and emotional exhaustion of my dad’s last few days here on earth got the very best of his physical health, and now we are praying that he will be ok and that he recovers quickly from this.  Faith will carry us through this. 

Yesterday, my family picked up my dad’s cremated remains and they will stay at home until my brother gets better so they can celebrate a Funeral Mass for my dad before he goes to his resting place at the mausoleum at my childhood’s home parish, which is beautiful and so peaceful. 

My middle brother sent me a picture of my dad’s urn which they carefully placed in an altar my mom prepared for him.  It had some beautiful flowers that friends and family had sent, religious images, and right in front of the urn which is a dark brown with an engraved crossed on the box, sat my dad’s favorite water glass.  According to my brother, there is a story about it, and I can’t wait to hear it.

The image of the urn felt like a punch right in my chest, almost as if the air was sucked out of me without any physical contact.  How can a man that just a few days ago was doing life and having family dinners and eating cake and treats over the holidays be now in a box??? A small box, nothing but ashes.  Life is a strange thing, isn’t it?! But that’s when faith rescues us, and reminds us that we too, one day will turn to ashes and that our mission right now is to live our lives in the best way we can, with honor and respect and heavy loads of faith and joy. 

Death changes your perspective in so many ways and when you loose a parent, it feels like a link was broken and you have that much more responsibility to keep loving them and keep their memory alive.

Last night my dad visited me in my dreams.  I was entering the living room area of my childhood home, the same home where my mom still lives, and as I entered, I saw my dad standing tall, freshly shaven and looking so handsome.  In the dream my dad must’ve been in his late 40’s, right around the time when we moved into that house and when we started building some happy memories.  My dad was standing right next to the table where his ashes rest now and as I stood between the kitchen and the living room to look in his direction, my dad smiled the biggest smile, a smile he only smiled on times when he was really happy and feeling lots of joy.

Welcome home dad, welcome home. ❤️

Friday, January 15, 2021

Today was a not so good day, with some good of course like life always manages to do. 

A couple of last minute doctors appointments, one of them at the hospital, and then more not very good news from back home. 

My heart is breaking, my body feels completely overwhelmed and my soul feels tired.

Praying for a better tomorrow. ❤️

Thursday, January 14, 2021

I’m sitting by myself in a corner of the kitchen looking out the window, and feeling the blessings of nature as I see the tree branches slightly move with the air.

Nature, something my dad appreciated  with all his heart. 

My dad died in the early hours of this morning and from the moment I heard the words from my brother on the other side of the phone, I’ve been feeling this piercing, excruciating pain I’ve never felt before.  I’ve lost dear aunts and uncles, my grandma, a few cousins, and some dear friends, but nothing has felt like the pain and the grief I’ve been feeling today.  I guess it is true, the ache of loosing a parent is very different than any other, it’s piercing and harsh and almost numbing. 

I was reading a very interesting analogy about grief shared by a friend and how grief feels like being in the ocean pounded by huge, powerful waves and you feel like you can barely come up for air and it’s hard to even breathe, but with time the waves get smaller or they start to spread out and they give you more time to come up for a breath. The waves might never go away but eventually you get better at treading water. 

I am faithful that with time this feeling of loss and anguish will get easier, but right now the knowledge of knowing that I will never ever again see my dad in the flesh again, and that I will never hear his voice or have a conversation with him and feel his skin, it’s piercing and excruciating. 

This morning as I felt like I was in the middle of a stormy ocean processing it all and I could barely catch my breath, I talked to my mom and her faith, her acceptance and her calmness, eased my mind and my heart and all of a sudden I felt this amazing sense of peace and all that anguish I was feeling seemed to lessen.

Because I am a woman of faith, I am certain that my dad is now at peace, no longer in pain, suffering of any kind and hopefully already surrounded by loved ones gone before him. 

May you Rest In Peace dear dad, we will miss your wit and incredible thirst for knowledge.  Thanks for all the lessons and the love you shared with us on your earthly journey, I hope you can feel our love. ❤️

Wednesday, January 13, 2021

Today I woke up feeling a little blah.  Do you ever have those mornings? You know what I mean.  Even my lower back hurt when I woke up, ay, ay, ay! I guess eventually the mind takes over the body and the body takes over the mind when you are constantly worrying about something. 

The good news is that I’m going in to work a little later today.  A little me time is essential to our overall well-being. 

I really miss sitting outside on the porch with my coffee! I did go out briefly this morning just so I could savor that feeling of holding my cup of coffee and the fresh air.  I didn’t last too long, it’s nice out but still Chicago winter, and I’m not that brave! 😉

I’m feeling a little out of control right now, too much happening at once, too many of those things I can’t control at all, and all the uncertainty is making me feel a bit overwhelmed, but I’m trying to keep the faith and stay positive, it’s all I’ve got going for me so far. Staying focused on the good, and letting God take charge of the other stuff. 

Sorry to be a blah today, but if I’m not real; I’m not me, so here is to the good, the bad and the ugly of life which is what makes us who we are, beautiful is with imperfections and all. Hiding it doesn’t do us any good. 💛

Have a lovely day! ✨

Tuesday, January 12, 2021

I woke up to a text I wasn’t quite expecting and my mind has been going a million miles an hour ever since.  Not my favorite way of starting the day, for I, did have a different plan for this morning, but isn’t it just how life works. As the saying goes “we make plans and God laughs.”  Maybe my conversation with my brother last night was preparing me for today. 

Because I can’t control everything or hardly anything in life, I will “control” what I can, like pouring myself a freshly brewed cup of coffee, finding a quiet area in my home to sip it away from everything else and enjoying this simple moment of peace and solitude. Ahhh, how I love these precious moments, just as much as I love and embrace the happy noise of my family and life. 

This morning not even the fridge is running, there is not a single sound in the kitchen where I’m sitting.  The girls are still asleep, Daisy decided to take a nap right after she woke up (the life haha), and Stan is at work.  I’ve got my coffee in one hand and my candle is lit right in front of my eyes. 

I am starting to feel a little antsy about this whole social distancing situation to be honest.  I want to be able to live life as before, but who doesn’t, right? I know we have to be patient and yes, we are definitely in a better position than most people, but that doesn’t mean that we should disregard our feelings.  It will be one year in March of this lockdown/social distancing/mask wearing situation, and I think it’s affecting us all emotionally, most people at least, in one way or another.  

I think what made it more real to me was the fact that I couldn’t book a flight and get on a plane immediately as I would’ve done it in the past, when my dad got really sick last week.  My mom is terrified of Covid, a fear that is almost paralyzing and it saddens me.  I couldn’t be selfish and give her that extra layer of anxiety of visiting after having traveled, and she’s scared for me as well of course.  That means, I don’t get to see my parents for another who knows what, it’s already been almost four years between Covid and other unforeseen circumstances when I already had a ticket in my hands... I don’t know how long my dad has... I don’t know if I’ll ever see him flesh to flesh again... I don’t know when I’ll be able to travel to my hometown again without making them feel uncomfortable... I don’t know... I don’t know... 

We have to go on with life and enjoy the more we can with what we have, but the physical separation and the very long distance between us and family is at times excruciating. One day at a time. 

For now, I will continue to enjoy the phone calls, the video chats - thank God for technology! - and the love I’m receiving from my family and the love I’m able to give back. 

If your family lives a “hop” away and you can see them any given day of the week even through a screen door... my prayer is that you feel those special blessings in your life wrapping you and comforting you. ❤️

Wishing you a lovely day ahead... make it a good one, make someone smile! ☀️

Monday, January 11, 2021

Today was a long day, filled with many commitments, responsibilities and every day worries and concerns, but unexpectedly I ended the day on a very good note having a casual conversation with my youngest brother.

We talked for over an hour and we laughed so much I cried at some point.  We both needed that.  

At the end of our conversation he said to me “I’ve been carrying many heavy burdens lately, worrying about things out of my control, and today I decided I’d live one day at a time.” 

So true.  Often, we spend a great deal of time worrying about things out of our control, and at the end of the day, week, month, year, we realize how much time we wasted worrying and burdening ourselves with unnecessary concerns.  

One day at a time is one of the best gifts we can give ourselves.

My brother said to me today. “Be sure to do something that makes YOU happy every day, whatever that could be.” I will keep that in mind everyday... 💛

Sunday, January 10, 2021

My alarm went off at 6:30 am and I could hardly get up.  My brain was telling, “come on, you’ll be late!” and my body was saying, “pleeeease, 15 more minutes!” I think I hit the snooze button at least twice and yes, I had to rush, and finish doing my hair at work, but hey, at the end of the day, things worked out and that’s what matters! 😉

Today was a busy day for me, a very busy day at work, but when I’m doing work I love, it doesn’t feel as heavy and the time flies by.  I love the interaction I have with people who care so much about others and give so much of their time to others without really expecting much or anything in return.  People with generous hearts that make the world go round and round. 

On another note, my dad has been hospitalized for five days now and although he’s still considered critical, he is stabled and amazingly enough making improvements. Five days ago we didn’t think he would make it, yesterday, things seemed to be turning the corner for him for the better.  Keeping the faith and trusting God’s will, that’s how we have been raised to live our lives and what brings peace to our hearts. 

My daughter seems to be doing a little better after wisdom tooth surgery, that was a tough one, she has a really hard time with it.  I’m hoping and praying tomorrow is a much better day. 

And on another note completely irrelevant to all of the above, but significant in my day nonetheless 😎 I had a conversation today with a friend about people who bring out the best in us and people who do exactly the opposite.  The bubble bursters if you may.  I remember when my children were younger and they’d come home from school upset about something someone had said or done to them, I’d say “there will always be a (Debbie or a Sabrina or a Janet... or whatever the name it is) in your life in one way or another, but it is how you react to their behavior and how much importance you give to their negativity and mean spirited behavior that matters the most.”  I always told them that in hopes of empowering their own minds and hearts so they could deal with whatever their day brought them.  

Sometimes, I need to get strength from that same logic I shared with them for so many years to deal with my own, Debbie’s or Sabrina’s or Janet’s. Yes, these names are made up basically. 😊

My quest in this world is to always surround myself with people that bring me peace, and positivity, that make me feel loved and wanted and appreciated and that when I see them or whenever I’m in their presence, I feel recharged and reenergized! ❤️

Ok, one more thing, just one more thing because this made me happy today. For the first time in a long, long time... I had brunch at a local restaurant with a friend.  They are following all safety protocols and they even have sneeze guards between booths which made me feel a lot more confident about being there.  Our lives have felt so upside down for so long now, that even this little outing felt like a big accomplishment.  Oh, the things we take for granted. 

Praying that soon, social distancing will be a thing of the past, that we won’t have to worry too much about being in public places, and that face coverings won’t be necessary.  Praying for a healthier and more peaceful world for everyone. ✌🏻

Saturday, January 9, 2021

I’ve been sitting in a corner of my kitchen for almost an hour. Just contemplating life and making all kinds of plans and building up dreams in my head. 😊

It’s fun to dream, isn’t it? And make plans and goals even if it’s momentary.  I do believe that if we just keep bringing those visions into our minds, the potential of them coming alive and becoming palpable is very possible. 

Yesterday was a rough day here, but today seems to be a little better although I’m not quite finding the motivation to do anything today, I think my body is just drained from all the running around and worrying and overthinking, so this quiet moment by myself in the kitchen (I can literally hear the faint sound of the fridge running that’s how quiet it is), is suiting me well.

My favorite candle is lit in front of me, burning bright and strong.  I love candles, I love coffee, I embrace the quiet in my life, and this moment right here, right now feels sacred, like a prayer. 

Maybe I’ll try making some breakfast now... or maybe I’ll sit here for another 20 minutes or so. 💛

Friday, January 8, 2021

Oh, what a day!!! But here I am, and I only cried once, so that’s a win! 😊

My dad has been hospitalized since Wednesday and his health continues to decline.  He seems to be in pain and more than anything really desperate and anxious as he is grasps for air. His lungs are not working anymore and there is almost nothing they can do to help him other than keep him comfortable.  Last night the UTI he had on top of everything else, went into his bloodstream, and it’s another layer of concerns and issues.  His heart is weaker too.  It’s SO extremely hard to be so far away from my family during these times, but I’m thankful for my brothers who are taking care of my mom and making sure she has all the things she needs while my dad is in the hospital, and most importantly right now, taking care of my dad. They’ve been taking turns and have lot left his side for one second.  Hospitals are never fun, but right now, they are particularly not pleasant with Covid on the rise once more. 

My oldest daughter had wisdom teeth surgery today and she has been in a great deal of pain since we got home, not even her prescription meds seems to be working. 😥 Praying that she’ll sleep well and that she will wake up feeling a lot better in the morning!!!

Work was super busy for me today, but I actually got a lot of good work done and even though I left the office late, I left with a feeling of accomplishment.  That helped me stayed focused on some positive today.

Tomorrow will be another day. For now, I will try to eat something and go to sleep, so I can get some rest. 

Oh, oh, on another happy note, my awful, horrific, not so pleasant migraine I had yesterday is GONE today, hurray for that! ❤️

Thursday, January 7, 2021

Well, the world around us feels (is) upside down again, nothing has felt very much normal for a long time, but we do what we can and we keep going because something that’s the best we can do for ourselves to say sane.

I’m still in a state of shock for the events that happened yesterday at the Capital Hill in Washington, and more so, devastated by the “cheerful” reactions of some people.  Having a public page of some sort is not just about providing some type of escape, but is so important also to be genuine, actually, I think that’s the most important thing. 

I remember when my girls were little and they would come home upset by the way friends treated them at school, or at a birthday party, or anything where they had contact with other kids, I would try my very best, after talking to them about it, to divert their attention and I would either bake something, or make their favorite meal, watch a movie together, go for a walk, something.  I didn’t want their young and sensitive mind to worry too much or at all.  At least, until they had to go back to school or whatever situation that would put them back in a not so friendly environment that had caused those unpleasant feelings. We can only protect so much. 

Although, they have certainly learned to deal with those unpleasant and unavoidable situations now, the world still sure knows how to provide ugliness in our midsts.  Well, I shouldn’t say “the world”, it’s more like people. And now that they are older and the hurts are are bigger and more serious, I’ll have to be honest, I feel kind of helpless and not very much fitted to “parent” or support properly with every situation that arises.

I walked in from home last night and all I could see in their faces was grief, and disbelief and anguish.  Real anguish!

I was too concerned about my own struggles of the day, and I couldn’t understand right away why they looked and felt so consumed.  It only took me a second, and I immediately had to change gears and put myself in their shoes in a way. 

Of course they were concerned about their grandpa who had been rushed to the hospital early in the day yesterday, but their grief and disbelief was all about the political climate and the many faces of humanity in our country right now. 

I don’t think I’ll be able to erase their expressions from my mind when I walked in from work, especially my oldest one who will be turning 23 soon.

Grief. Disbelief. Anguish. Fear. Anger. Sadness. 

And I couldn’t really do much, other than to listen to what they had to say and how they felt.  I couldn’t really take their pain away, I couldn’t possibly pacify them the way I would’ve want to, maybe listening was the best thing I could’ve done. 

I’m thankful that I have empathetic children.  Their empathy for others and the world around them is sometimes creeping, but I am thankful for their souls and the way they care about the world around them and their big thoughts and feelings. 

One day at a time. ❤️

Wednesday, January 6, 2021

My day was and felt like the longest day and I could say stressful (it was in many ways), but I’ll tell you what helped me get through. It was so long and stressful that I had three cups of coffee and forgot to take a picture of my cup. 

I know that sounds stupid, and it could be, but it makes me happy every time I take a picture of my coffee cup because coffee makes me happy and the cup I drink it in, contribute to that joy as well, so there!

This morning I was at work and after I finished recording our 94, soon to be 95 year old Priest (he’s amazingly sharp and wise in many ways by the way!), I went to check my phone and I discovered a flood of messages from my brothers and mom who are 2,000 miles away from me.  I knew something had to be going on before I even started reading. 

My dad had been rushed to the hospital with a very high fever, nonstop vomiting, really bad back pain and by the time he got to the hospital his oxygen levels were dropping more.

It’s been a long and trying day, and I could go on and on, but it’s almost 10 pm, I’ve covered a lot of territory in the day, and I need to go to sleep soon.

I’ve been migraine free for 20 days with a new maintenance prescription medicine my neurologist put me on, and today stress got the best of me and my head is throbbing.  Currently sitting with an ice pack on my head. 

But before I say good night, let me share the saving grace of the day.

I happen to work in a place that breathes FAITH, and grace and kindness.  I work with compassionate people that are rooted DEEP in faith, that lift me up with words of faith and kindness and remind me that my faith, our faith is one of the biggest gifts we have in life, especially challenging times.

Today, I’m grateful for the moments of faith and grace and kindness that lifted me when I felt lost, and far away and confused and frustrated things, related and unrelated to all the things that happened today. 

Letting go and letting God.

Goodnight. ❤️

Tuesday, January 5, 2021

Today was one of “those” days, everything seemed like an uphill and disappointment, but the good thing about today is that despite the yuck in my day, I persevered with Whole30 and I call that a WIN!!! 

I am a huge stress eater and being able to say no to comfort foods when I’m trying to stick to a food plan that I know is good for me in so many ways, it’s a huge success and today, I did just that. 

My oven is on right now, I have a huge pan of spaghetti squash inside, along with some red bell peppers, mushrooms, asparagus, and white onions that I will eat with a piece of chicken and I can hardly wait. 

Tomorrow will be another day.  I will put worries to rest and pray for a less disappointing day ha! 😃

Good night all! ❤️

Monday, January 4, 2021

Good morning!!! 💛

Today, I start my FOURTH round of Whole30 and I’m seriously so excited about it! 

The first time was definitely the hardest because I knew very little about the program and I had to learn on the “go” so to speak. 

The second round was very trying, I think my hardest one yet, I don’t remember exactly what month it was but what I do remember is having way too many temptations, celebrations, etc, that I had to avoid and continue to remind myself that I was stronger than my cravings. It was tough, but I did it! 

The third round which I finished in August of last year, has definitely been my favorite and most successful in all aspects!!!  It helped that it was summer time and I could go out for lots of walks and set goals for myself and then I would cook these super delicious meals and eat out in the deck and continue to enjoy the Summer glory. I felt like I was conquering my little world one day at a time.  At the end of round 3, I felt so incredibly accomplished. 

Unfortunately, Covid fatigue got to me and I started to eat things that are not necessarily good for me, I stopped going for daily walks and just like a game of dominos that you align perfectly for a tumbling effect, all that I had accomplished in those 30 days started to tumble and crumble down right before my eyes.  

I’ve always been a huge stress eater, that’s where I go when I’m feeling stress and life seems a little more out of sorts, food! And usually, not in moderation or foods that are necessarily good for me. 

I started getting take out and going through some drive thru’s at the end of some work nights and even though it always “satisfied” my instant craving, every time it left me with a feeling of guilt and my body didn’t feel great.

What I eat affects my body greatly, and my chronic pain seems to suffer the most.  I’m always trying to do my best, and all I can do is tackle one day, one month at a time. 

One thing that does help me a LOT, is meal prep! If I have all the foods I want and need ready to go, I’m not tempted to just grab what’s in front of me.  I have to be more discipline about that, but of course that takes a lot of work too and balancing a more than full time job, a house, and everything else, leaves very little room for a lot of meal planning and cooking and prepping, but it’s not impossible, it’s all about time management and the willingness to want to do it and more importantly the awareness of why we are doing it. 

With that being said, I’ll leave you to finish making my breakfast and then heading to work.  

Day 1 of Round 4... here I come!!! 🥳

Sunday, January 3, 2021

What you do in the 24 hours a day has, counts! Someone said that to me a couple of days ago and I couldn’t agree more. 

We can either spent those hours doing nothing or very little, or doing something we feel passionate about and really apply ourselves, whether it’s  learning about a new culture, a new language, history, reading, exercising, cooking, crafting, whether it is that we love, fitting it into our daily schedule counts for a lot and adds a lot of meaning and zest to our lives. 

It’s important to rest too and spend time meditating and simply pondering and wondering, but life has to be balanced. 

I’ve always been somewhat of an extremist, I’m either all or nothing, and I constantly have to look for that “perfect” balance in my life.  When I’m focused about things that fuel me, I stay focused and very passionate about it, but it only takes one little thing, distraction or temptation to derail me and then I’m back to square one.  I’m a work in profess, but aren’t we all! 

Tomorrow I start my fourth round of Whole30 and I can’t even begin to tell you how excited I am about this!!! I can say with all sincerity that Whole30 has changed my relationship with food and how I connect with the way food fuels my body.  If I eat whole foods I feel whole and healthy, if I eat processed, overly salty and greasy foods, I feel just like that.  Funny thing is, when I eat within the Whole30 plan, I stay very focused on the foods that I eat, never limiting myself in quantity but making sure that I eat foods out (except for spices) of the aisles at the grocery store. 

When I don’t eat whole foods on a regular basis, all the other foods that are not so good for me, don’t feel “as bad”, but I know deep inside, they are not great for me, especially on my ongoing quest battling chronic pain.

What I eat matters tremendously for my body!!! I’ve experienced it over and over. 

Because we really shouldn’t put off goals and things we feel passionate about, I’m starting my day by cooking something delicious for breakfast, spaghetti squash, sweet potatoes and eggs, first time creating this combo of foods, but it’s starting to smell very delicious! 😍

My grandma’s biggest motto was: arrebatadamente! Which translates into something like: ASAP, don’t put it off, NOW, don’t wait, do it now, and so on. I think she came up with that word actually because I can’t find it anywhere, haha! But I wouldn’t be surprised either, that was my grandma!

To this day my siblings, my mom and aunts and uncles, cousins and anyone who knew my grandma says, “do as your grandma would have said... arrebatadamente.” And that’s why, I’m starting the day with a Whole30 warm up! 😉

Happy Sunday everyone! ❤️

Saturday, January 2, 2021

Good morning world!!! ❤️

It still feels strange to write January and then add 2021 next to it, but it’s a good “strange” feeling. 

I had a dream last night about a friend, a friend of mine that I was supporting through some struggles (in my dream), but about struggles she’s been facing in real life, and in the dream we had some hard conversations, we shared real life stories and in the dream I remember pausing many times during our conversation and allowing each other to simply take in the care and grief and love of the moment. 

I woke up this morning and my husband said to me “aren’t you going to open that gift your friend gave you?” I know what the gift was, it’s a yearly wall calendar my friend gives me every year - the same friend in the dream, although she was also part of my dream for a brief period giving counsel - but it was so beautifully and perfectly wrapped that I was enjoying even that in itself, staring at it and observing how carefully this gift was wrapped.  The foldings of the paper couldn’t have been more perfect, even the way the scotch tape was placed and the bow, well, that was simply art. 

Long story short, I did open the gift finally and the calendar quote for today was “there is room for you and me, for I am part of you, and you are part of me.” written by K. Sherman, CSJ

How amazing is that quote?! Reflect on it for a moment. 

I deeply believe that we are on this earth to support each other, to be present for one another and most importantly, that we belong to one another.  We are humans beings that need other human beings to help us carry our burdens, to celebrate accomplishments with us, and to navigate life with us and us with them.

Love is not selfish, love is kind, love is patient, love embraces our strengths and our weaknesses.  It protects, it trusts, it perseveres and most importantly, it HOPES. 

Thankful for the people in my life, thankful for the many times I’ve had a helping hand help me navigate through life and also very thankful for the opportunities I’ve had so far to be of support to other humans in my life, in whatever form it has been.

We belong to one another in deeper ways than we think. ❤️

Friday, January 1, 2021

Happy New Year 2021!!! ❤️

The day the world has been waiting for more than ever before. It’s here, it has arrived and it comes wrapped with opportunity and so much potential. 

I work at a church which means, works on weekends sometimes and special Feast days like today and our Pastor gave a beautiful reflection on the gift of celebrating a new year and the hope that comes with it.  

One thing he said that caught my attention in particular was about resolutions.  A lot of people make New Year’s resolutions like, exercise more, lose some weight, start a new project, travel, etc... but he “challenged” us to change the word resolution to PRAYER, and I really liked that. 

What if, instead of saying my New Year’s resolution is... we say, “my New Year’s prayer is... to eat healthier, to spend more time with family, to practice self care.”  I think there is a special kind of power granted if you may, when we simply switch the those two words.  Resolution vs Prayer.  I think it’s powerful and it really helped me centered my focus on starting a new year.

So, a few of my prayers for this year are to do just that. To eat more consciously focusing on foods that make my body feel healthier and that will help me manage chronic pain.  To assign at least one day at week for self care, a Maria day if you may, to find more time for prayer and mediation, to  stay connected in a more meaningful and deeper way with family and friends, to find time to do what inspires me, writing. 

Somehow, the word prayer, makes our wishes more palpable than when we say “resolution.” 

My first cup of coffee of the day was simply delicious today.  I’m looking forward to another year of daily coffee and life/faith sharing.  Cheers to ‘21! ❤️